Songbird.

His.

Before you read this, I want you to know that God spoke each of these events into my testimony to include. He is the biggest part of my testimony, and any of your testimonies. If you were to place an author on your testimony, it should he His name. See, a testimony is created (as all things are) to bring glory to Christ, and not to ourselves. I am as messed up as the next person, but it is He that makes you and I the strong, radiant beings we are in Him; it is his glory that keeps us alive.
I pray that even by reading this or my blog that God speaks to you or manifests in you someway. I pray that he reveals himself to you in a new, tasteful way. I pray that you don’t read this and think “look at what she has overcome” but rather how great our God is.

“God, I know you’re there and that you’re good.. but right now I just need you to do something.” On January 1, 2008, I spoke those very words not knowing the power they held. I didn’t know that moments later, I would be a new creation. I didn’t know that they would transform and save my life.
I grew up as a normal kid. I lived in a big house in the country on the outskirts of a small town of 4000. I had plenty of friends, I was loved by my family. Every night, my parents would come into my room before bed and sit on the foot of my sister and I’s bed and tell stories, then Mum would sing Sweet Child O’ Mine to me. She would stroke my hair, then after the song give me butterfly kisses until I told her to stop.
I didn’t go to any kind of church related thing except for the odd Catholic mass visit with my Nan until I was 8. I went to to a youth group called “Cool Town” with some friends from the school bus. I felt myself when I went there. I danced, played games, ate candy.. It was a safe haven for me. I went for a year or two then stopped for some reason.
A few years went, and my Mum spontaneously asked me one Sunday if I wanted to go to church. I was old enough then to know that church wasn’t cool, and I was content sleeping in on Sundays. I told her no, and the look on her face every time she asked me looked so broken. After about a month, I felt bad and went with her. We pulled into a parking lot of a building that didn’t look whatsoever like a church. It was a blue, brick building that was probably 10 minutes out of town. I walked into the building, and was greeted by 4 or 5 old ladies, and then led to a room full of chairs and a band that played really cool music. I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t know why there wasn’t pews or things to kneel on. When the service started, there were people dancing and jumping, and a lady that made weird noises and spoke in different languages. I (at first) thought it was funny and entertaining. I kept going for awhile because it felt homey.
I was attending the church for about a year, and Mum told me about the youth group they had. I was forced to go, and I ended up loving it. There was food, games, people that seemed to find me cool and I fit in alright. I acted like a good Christian girl, but I still had no clue what God did and why he made us. During this whole time, I felt empty. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, I wanted to look like my skinny, straight haired friends that looked like perfection to me. I didn’t get how there could be two sides to this whole church thing.
I started harming myself. I had nightmares that would tell me to do certain things to myself, and I would beat the tar out of myself. I would punch my stomach until I threw up, and I had my arms bruised to the point where I looked tan. It hurt to put on clothes because they rubbed against the bruises. I hid them for a long time, because I was so scared of what people would think of me and my family.
I attended a New Years Eve party that my youth group had and that night my youth pastor spoke about salvation and forgiveness. He asked everyone to close their eyes, and raise their hand if they wanted to receive Christ and go to heaven. I then said the words and made a decision that would change me forever.
There was something wrong though. I went months struggling with this “salvation”. I didn’t know what it meant, and I was too scared to ask anyone. I didn’t even tell anyone about it, I was scared. I kept going on with life the way it was, but with an “eternal life forgiveness policy” on it (so I thought). I found out that same year that my two best friends were moving away. This was one of the worst things that has ever happened.. it totally ruined me. So, I was lied into saying to myself that I wasn’t a good enough friend when they were here and that I should have been there more often for them, and beat up myself over it. A month later, my parents told me and my siblings that they were getting a divorce. “Wait- what? My parents are inseparable! Fuck, is this my fault too?” (from my journal.) I spent a long, 5 months blaming and punishing myself for this and eventually created myself a death plan for myself by drinking chemicals and things that were toxic. I looked up different things that had killed people in the past and when I tried it it didn’t kill me or even make me sick. I didn’t know what to do with myself any longer.
I became more and more insecure with my self. My eighth grade year, I started looking at girls instead of guys and trying to find love in all the wrong places. I hid my dirty secret until a year or two ago. At the same time, I was “dieting”. This habit carried on to the ninth grade, where in less than 40 days I lost almost 50 pounds from making myself sick. I had stopped the chemical drinking and beating myself, but I was still harming my body by the amount of waste I was putting out. I ended up getting really sick with something that doctors still think was cancer. They gave me the wrong medicine when I was sick, and I became addicted to it. I went back to get more medicine, and they decided that they would do tests because they thought it was cancer or worse. At this point, I had a half relationship with God. I prayed for him to help me, and had a couple good weeks since 8th grade. I was planning on going to a conference, and when I found out about the cancer, I didn’t want to go. Dad made me go, and I know it was God telling him to make me go. I was healed from cancer during Leeland’s worship set the first night of the conference! That weekend, I was also healed from my eating disorder. I’ve never been sick since.
One thing that I regretted to include until now (May 1st, 2012) is that I struggled with sexual sin for almost my entire life. I loved girls and guys alike for the longest time and then began only liking girls because guys made me feel insignificant. I hid it my entire life, except with a couple of friends. I’ve kissed girls, and grabbed girls sexually and honestly, looking back at it I was absolutely disgusting. I masturbated because I knew that I could never get laid, and I went on saying I was pure for the longest time. I’m a worship leader at my church, and I still led on that I was an innocent, pure girl. I attended Freshwind again this year, and was healed from sexual sin. I stood up amongst an entire group of friends unashamedly because I wanted it so bad. I later confessed to them that I had been homosexual, and that I hid it from them my whole life. They accepted it, thank God and now I’m a totally new person. I can’t thank Him enough for healing me.
I’ve been blessed beyond words with life, my best friends, I became a worship leader.. I watched my scars disappear before my eyes, the burns from the chemicals were healed, I’ve seen supernatural signs and wonders before my eyes, and I’ve seen more miracles than I can count on my fingers and toes! He has placed me in this life for a reason. He has given me life! I live by the verses Philippians 4:13 and Psalm 27:4. My desire is for him and nothing else. I can’t thank him enough.
Just remember that there is so much joy in life. He has created us to be joyful and to worship him. Just being alive and knowing you’re going to heaven is what should make you smile every day. Counting your blessings is one of the best things you can do.

If you ever need prayer for anything; healing, deliverance, or anything.. do not hesitate to ask. I’m always open to pray for you, and God is always willing to make his children happy. Also, if you want Jesus to come into your life, he’s ready and I’m more than willing to help you out.

I love you all!